


The Sky is for the Stars

by smaragdbird



Series: The Stars that Lie to You [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Agoraphobia, Breeding, Forced Pregnancy, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Imprisonment, Kidnapping, M/M, Mind Rape, Mpreg, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Obsession, Psychological Torture, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Recovery, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 07:52:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10849668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: Poe gets captured again by Kylo Ren only this time he is not saved as quickly. To make everything worse he's pregnant and to take revenge on him for choosing Finn Ren puts the child in the stormtrooper program before raping Poe to get him pregnant again, this time with Ren's children.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this ](http://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/3467.html?thread=6893963#cmt6893963) prompt

Poe thought his daughter was a miracle, a tiny, perfect miracle. “She looks so much like you”, he said to Finn as they watched her crawl around the room.

“Nah, you see those eyes? They’re all yours”, Finn replied. “And the smile as well.”

“She gets her smile from you.”

Finn stubbornly shook his head.

“If you don’t stop arguing I’m not giving her back tomorrow”, Rey threatened good naturedly and picked up her god daughter.

It was their last night together before Poe would leave on a new mission to meet an old contact on Corellia. Finn wasn’t entirely happy but he knew he couldn’t keep Poe planetside permanently. And the First Order had been quiet for months. He still had nightmares about how close he had come to losing Poe and Breha to Kylo Ren. But as Poe’s dad had said, you couldn’t keep a bird from flying without clipping its wings.

“Go”, Jess added and made a shooing motion with her hands. “Make a brother or sister for Breha to play with.”

Poe rolled his eyes. “That’s not happening for another year at least.”

“Do you really want to leave for that long? You’re not getting any younger”, Jess teased him.

“Look who’s talking.”

“I’m younger than you.”

“You know I’ve changed my mind. I’m not leaving my daughter with you”, Poe grinned and pretended to take Breha back from Rey who laughingly turned away.

“Go”, Rey said as well. “I’ll make sure Jess won’t teach her any swearwords until she’s at least three.”

“Do you want more than one?” Finn asked when the door closed behind Rey and Jess.

“Sure, I mean, I hated being an only child”, Poe answered. “What about you?”

Finn shrugged. “We don’t have to make that decision tonight, do we?”

Poe wrapped his arms around Finn and kissed him. “No, we don’t. But depending how thorough you are tonight I can’t make any promises for nine months down the line.”

/

Poe’s first thought when he woke up was how ridiculous this was getting. This marked the third time he had been captured by the First Order within two years. And as usual Kylo was lurking in a corner as well, wearing that ridiculous mask again.

“I told you we would see each other again.”

“You also told me you knew where Luke was hiding the cookies. You see where I’m going with this?” Granted they had been ten and twelve respectively but the point still stood.

“Never without a quick reply on your lips, aren’t you?”

“I know third time’s the charm but can we skip the torture and you just let me go instead of being humiliated by my inevitable escape again?”

“No one will come to save you.”

Poe rolled his eyes. “You never knew how to do things the easy way.”

Kylo’s gloved hand bit into his cheek. “You will obey me if you don’t want to lose your child.”

“You realise this threat is only effective when I’m actually pregnant, right?” 

“You don’t know.” “He could hear the smile in Kylo’s voice even without seeing his face. “You will. Soon.”

/

After the first time there were no more interrogations. In fact he didn’t see a single living person for weeks. They didn’t keep him in a cell but what looked like a regular room with a bed and an ensuite bathroom. There were even clothes in a closet and a holopad filled with books. Food was delivered three times a day through a double secured hatch on the door.

He tried to escape of course but soon noticed that the cuffs around his wrists would literally prevent him from leaving the confines of his room. He had seen these kinds of handcuffs before, on an Outer Rim slave market. If he managed to slip them from his wrists they would activate a chip inside his body and kill him.

Poe tried not to let the isolation get to him. He’d be freed soon enough. He was certain of it.

Five weeks into his captivity he started throwing up each morning.

That’s when Kylo started to visit him.

“You’ve been here before”, Kylo said as he watched Poe empty his stomach in the toilet. “You know it’s true.”

Poe wiped his mouth and scoffed. “Just because you poisoned my food doesn’t mean I’m pregnant. “

“No”, Kylo agreed. “You’re pregnant because after the birth of the traitor’s spawn you opened your legs for him again. You took his cock deep inside and let him spill his seed where it doesn’t belong. You’re mine”, the last words were spoken with barely concealed anger.

“I will never be yours”, Poe replied. “You’re a monster.”

Kylo pushed him face first against the wall with the Force. Poe could feel him come closer until Kylo’s front was pressed against his back. He was aroused, Poe could feel it. “Considering how eager you were to bend over for that abomination of a stormtrooper that doesn’t seem much of a deterrent for you”, Kylo whispered into his ear.

“Yeah? What’s stopping you?” Poe spat out, realising a little too late that it was probably not a good idea to dare the guy with an unhealthy obsession with him into raping him.

“You’ll see”, Kylo said. By the time Poe was able to move again he was gone.

/

Kylo came by more often now. And as pathetic as it sounded a part of Poe was glad that he did. The isolation was getting to him more than he wanted to admit. When he was alone he spent hours lying on the bed with his eyes closed and tried to pretend he was back on base with Finn and Breha. By his count he had been imprisoned for two and a half months by now. His daughter was going to be nine months old soon, she’d be bigger when he returned, heavier and he would’ve missed so much. He missed Finn just as much as Breha. He had never been in love as deeply as he was with Finn. Maybe they had moved pretty fast but it had felt so right. Poe knew they belonged together, knew that sooner or later Finn would save him.

He stopped throwing up and for a week or so he thought Kylo had given up on his game to try and make Poe believe he was pregnant when he felt it.

It was a light tingling feeling in his abdomen although that was an inadequate description. Finn had often asked what it had felt like when Poe had felt Breha move inside him but Poe had never found the proper words. But he recognised the feeling immediately.

Poe felt his heart clench in his chest and stumbled into the bathroom to throw up again. This couldn’t be happening. He had been so sure that Kylo had been lying.

He tried for weeks to pretend that this wasn’t happening. Not again. Not after he had nearly lost Breha to Kylo. This had to be some kind of mistake. Maybe he was ill, some kind of growth in his stomach. Maybe it was all some kind of illusion Kylo forced him to believe.

Kylo became more and more gleeful with every day Poe spent in his hands. 

Poe prayed desperately for a miracle, for Finn to come and rescue him. Weren’t they searching for him? Maybe they thought he was dead. But no, Finn wouldn’t believe that, not without seeing his corpse. That was what they had agreed on. 

“Your dad will save us”, Poe said and rubbed his stomach. If he hadn’t lost count he had been captured six months ago. Finn should better come soon. “He’s my knight in shining armour. That’s how we met. He saved me. His name is Finn. He’s the bravest man I know. He saved the galaxy too and just a year ago he saved me and your older sister. Her name is Breha.”

“How sweet”, Kylo said, “but useless.” And Poe fell unconscious before Kylo had even finished waving his hand.

/

He woke up with a long stripe of bacta over his abdomen where they had cut him open and alone. He looked around frantically but his baby was nowhere to be seen. He fought against his restraints but they were just as unyielding as they had been all these months before.

“Where are they?” Poe asked as soon as Kylo came in. “Where’s my baby?”

Kylo’s eyes narrowed his whole face a mask of disgust. “Where it belongs.”

“I swear if you harmed them I will – “

“Shh, shh”, Kylo used the force to keep him perfectly still as he pressed a finger to his lips. “I said it is where it belongs. The spawn of a stormtrooper is also a stormtrooper.”

Poe’s eyes widened with horror when he understood what Kylo meant. Everything Finn had ever told him about his training came to his mind at once. “No.”

Kylo stroked his hair. “You will forget it soon enough. Why cling to something you will never see anyway?”


	2. Chapter 2

The same night Kylo raped him for the first time. “I couldn’t do it earlier”, he whispered into Poe’s ear as he fucked him like a lover might do, full of sweet kisses and gentle touches. “You were tainted by that traitor’s spawn. But now you’re mine. Like you were always supposed to be.”

He came back the next night as well. 

And the night after that.

And every single night after that.

/

Poe stopped eating. There was no point for him to survive anymore. His baby was gone and no one was coming to rescue him. He might as well take the only escape that was left to him.

He should’ve known it wouldn’t be this easy.

Kylo came into the room seething with anger. He strode right towards Poe and pushed him against the nearest wall, wrapping a hand around his throat. “Did you think I wouldn’t notice?” He hissed.

“I don’t care”, Poe replied.

“You will care”, Kylo yelled. “You will eat. You will take care of yourself.”

“Or what?”

“Do I need to remind you that I have your child? I would not kill it, that’d be too easy. But I will cripple it. Make its life harder than you can imagination. Cut of a finger or an ear, shatter the bones in its legs and leave lying in agony until they’ve healed back together the wrong way so that it’ll never walk properly. I’ll put it in a brothel so you’ll know it’ll get fucked as soon as someone shows interest”, Kylo told him gleefully. “I know you’re good at withstanding physical torture but I can take your mind apart if I choose. I’ll rip the memories of everyone you ever loved from your head, one by one. Is that what you want?”

Poe glared at him, unwilling to answer. Suddenly the memory of the first time Finn had kissed him came to mind and behind it he felt Kylo forcing his way into Poe’s mind. Finn had still been laid up in the infirmary although he had been allowed to sit up by then and Poe had brought him some holos to keep him entertained while the bacta had done its work.

“Poe?” Finn had said, “Do you have someone? A boyfriend or a girlfriend I mean?”

Poe had smiled. “No. Do you?”

Finn had shaken his head. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yes”, Poe had said and had leaned in until Finn had closed the distance between them and had pressed his lips to Poe’s.

A moment later the memory was gone.

Poe cried out and tried to hit Kylo but Kylo had no problems restraining him with the Force. “Maybe I should take all of your memories except those you have of me”, he said and caressed Poe’s cheek. “Make you into an obedient pet, but no, that would be boring. Sooner or later you’ll love me back. If only for our children’s sake.”

“If you think I would carry your children – “Poe started but Kylo cut him off by squeezing his throat.

“What makes you think you have a choice?” He asked sweetly. “I know we said four back then but it’ll probably be more. After all no one is going to rescue you anytime soon.”

/

Poe didn’t just lose the memory of his and Finn’s first kiss. He wasn’t so broken yet that he would just obey Kylo, would roll over and let him rape him. Kylo had a preference for first time memories it seemed. The next time Poe tried to kill himself he lost the first time he had held Breha in his arms. The time after that it was the first time he had woke up next to Finn. The first time they had sex. Finn’s face when Poe’s pregnancy had been confirmed by Dr. Kalonia. Falling asleep with Breha on his chest while Finn had watched over both of them with a warm smile on his face.

When Poe started throwing up again a mere nine weeks after Kylo had started raping him he was desperate enough to open the veins in his arms with his teeth.

Kylo found him in time of course.

Kylo always found him in time.

/

“We’re going to call one of them Anakin of course”, Kylo said. He was lying behind Poe, arms wrapped around him as he stroked his stomach. He was roughly seven months along but much larger than he had been either time before.

“One of them?” Poe asked. He was constantly tired lately although he wasn’t sure if it was just the pregnancy of if Kylo was drugging him to make him more docile.

“I told you twins run in my family”, Kylo replied. He was in a good mood tonight and was enjoying the mockery of a family life he was trying to create here. “Do you have any suggestions for a name?”

Poe thought about it for a moment then he said, “Asaji.”

“She was a traitor”, Kylo replied with annoyance. “Why would you name your child after that?”

Poe turned his head and looked Kylo in the eyes. “Because that child’s father is every bit as bad as Asaji Ventress was.”

Kylo huffed. “Why won’t you learn? You’ll never leave me again. We’re meant to be together. Your life could be so much easier if you just accepted that.”

/

Somehow Poe wasn’t even surprised when he woke up with a bacta strip across his abdomen again and no children anywhere in sight. At least he was alone. For a moment he allowed himself to think about Breha. She would be walking by now, talking too. And Finn. Where was he? Why hadn’t Finn saved him yet? Finn always saved him. Their other child came to his mind too. Privately Poe had taken to calling them Bey after his mother. He didn’t know if they were a girl or a boy but Bey sounded like a nice, neutral name.

For a moment he even thought about his new children. He felt tears sting at his eyes. Even though he hadn’t wanted them he had carried them for nine months.

“Where are they?” Poe asked when Kylo came to visit him.

“They are being taken care of”; Kylo replied. “You didn’t think I would let you keep them, did you? I can’t risk having my children being raised by someone as subversive and treacherous as you.”

“So you’re keeping me here as your baby-factory. Is that it?”

“It’s your own fault, Poe. If you had joined me the first time I had offered none of this would have happened. I know now that I can’t trust you.”

“So what did you call the second one?” Poe asked instead of arguing. He was too tired.

“I won’t name them until I’m sure they’re Force sensitive. After all stormtroopers don’t need names.”

That was enough to push Poe out of his apathy. “They’re your children. You can’t do that to them!”

Kylo shrugged. “If they’re not Force sensitive I have no further use for them.”

/

A week later Kylo came to the room with General Hux in tow and ordered Poe to undress. Poe only obeyed after Kylo threatened to remove the memory of his and Finn’s first meeting. And then held him down as Hux raped him.

“I wouldn’t let him do this to you if Supreme Leader Snoke hadn’t ordered it”, Kylo told him, lips brushing Poe’s ear, his voice soft and apologetic.”And I won’t let him do it more than once.” With these words he glared at Hux, who rolled his eyes.

“There are more effective ways to achieve conception”, Hux said. “It’s unnecessary for me to fuck your broodmare when we could be doing this whole thing in a lab.”

“He deserves to know how awful you are at everything, not just your job but at sex as well.”

“Since you kidnapped him I doubt he fancies you that much either.”

“He’ll love me. Sooner or later he’ll love. I’ll make him.” For a threat it sounded ridiculously petulant.

“Whatever makes you sleep better at night.”

/

He almost welcomed Hux’s impersonal and clinical way to rape him. There were no soft touches or terms of endearment, no pretend. From the first time on Hux had made abundantly clear that he found the whole situation distasteful and would rather have a child through clinical means. It was probably the only thing he and Poe would ever agree on. But Kylo insisted and so Hux came by every day and raped him while Kylo watched.

The moment a droid confirmed he was pregnant again Hux’s visits stopped and he had to put up with Kylo again. Apparently he didn’t have the same reservations against touching Poe when it was Hux’s child he was carrying instead of Finn’s.

“The next one will be mine again”, Kylo told him, large hands splayed over Poe’s slightly swollen belly as he kissed his neck. “I made sure Hux would only get one child out of you, nothing more. You’re mine.”

Poe stared at the wall ahead like he usually did and thought about the lake behind the base on D’Qar. How he and Finn had lain naked on the sand during a hot, lazy summer day. They had both been sunburned that day but it had been worth it.

Being unable to breathe ripped him from his daydream. Kylo was above him, eyes glomming furiously. “You’re thinking of the traitor.”

Cold fear gripped him. “No, please.”

“I told you what would happen when you do.”

“Please, don’t, please – “Not this one. Poe tried to fight it like he hadn’t done in months but Kylo easily tore down what little defences he had against him. For a last moment he remembered Finn standing in the lake, beautiful and perfect like a god from some old tales, and then he was gone. He felt the emptiness, knew that there should’ve been something there but he couldn’t remember anymore. It was gone. Irreparably gone.

Poe felt tears cling to his lashes that he thought he didn’t have anymore. “Why?”

“You are mine”, Kylo said and leaned down to kiss him. He might believe it was love but there was nothing but possessiveness in that kiss. “And the sooner you accept that, the less I have to hurt you.”

/

“If I obeyed you...” Poe asked the night after they had cut Hux’s child out of him and Kylo was done raping him. “If I obeyed you what would change?” He was so tired of this room. He was tired of the colour on the walls and the stale air and the isolation and the boredom.

“What would you want?” Kylo asked, sounding genuinely curious.

“A room with a window. Being planet side for an hour so I can breathe for once.” He was more than aware for how little he was bargaining but he was so tired. Twenty five months of captivity could do that.

“You don’t want your children?” Kylo asked with a mocking undertone to his voice.

“Would you let me see them if I asked?”

“No.”

“That’s why I didn’t ask.” Poe closed his eyes and asked a question he hadn’t wanted to ask before because he was afraid he would come to regret not having taken his chance. “And if I had joined you when you first asked me to?”

“Building dream castles?” Kylo smiled. “I would’ve kept you with me on the Finalizer at first of course. To make sure you were truly loyal. And to plant my seed in you. But then I would’ve moved you to a house on a beautiful planet. I would’ve let you raise our children. We could’ve been happy. But this is so much better. Because now I don’t have to worry about you planting ideas into their heads.”

Poe was glad Kylo had added those last sentences. Because now he knew that neither decision would have been better than the other.

/

“You said you wanted a room with a window”, Kylo said two weeks later.

“Yes?” Poe asked warily.

“Show me how much you love me, then you’ll get your window.”

“Fuck you.”

Kylo grabbed his hair and tilted his head backwards until it hurt. “Show how much you love me or I will rip every memory of you have of your daughter from your mind until you won’t even know she exists anymore.”

For a moment Poe felt resentful how much power Breha had over him even though she was far away, safe with Finn and he hadn’t seen either of them in years but the threat of losing even a memory was enough to make him obey.

“You wouldn’t do that”, Poe hissed. “You’d have nothing to keep me in line anymore?”

“No?” Kylo stroked his face with his free hand. “What about the traitor who you claim loves you but where is he? Then there are your parents...that memory of sitting on your mother’s lap in her A-Wing the first time she took you flying...so many memories you treasure...so many things you’ll never remember again.”

Poe closed his eyes against the tears he felt stinging in them. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Because I love you”, Kylo said and the worst of all he sounded like he believed it.

/

His next pregnancy saw him confined to the bed early on. He had nearly lost the children, three this time, because of the strain the fertility drugs, repeated pregnancies and carrying multiple children had on his body. Poe had overheard the meddroid recommending selecting only one child and aborting the others but Kylo had refused to hear about it, so Poe had been placed on strict bed rest.

Not that he would’ve left the bed that often anyway. He felt lethargic and struggled to even take a shower or eat. Mostly he just lay there, drifting in and out of sleep and barely taking notice of anything. He even stopped fighting Kylo because what sense did it make? Kylo got his will, one way or another. It was as if this pregnancy was sapping all his strength out of him not just physically but also mentally.

Kylo was right. No one would come and rescue him. He had been a prisoner for too long. They would declare him dead soon enough.

“You’ve taken the first step”, Kylo whispered into his ear and kissed his neck. 

“Please”, Poe whispered and turned around. He was so tired of feeling nothing. “Please”, he said again and pressed his lips against Kylo’s. Feeling something, as temporarily as it would be, was better than feeling nothing.

He could feel Kylo smile against his lips.

/

For the next few months it was Poe who made the first step, Poe who kissed Kylo first when he came to his room, Poe who wrapped his legs around Kylo’s waist so he could fuck him deeper, harder, better. Now Kylo made sure that Poe came as well and the few seconds of bliss his orgasm gave him were better than anything else he was feeling.

“Look at how full you are”, Kylo whispered into his ear while he fucked Poe from behind, jerking him off in the same rhythm he thrust into him. “This is how it’s supposed to be. You look so beautiful, filled with my children to the brim. It’s good that you started to accept your place. I’m proud of you.” He tilted Poe’s head back to kiss him and Poe kissed him back because he knew it was easier. He was so tired of fighting.

“Maybe Supreme Leader Snoke would also like to continue his bloodline. I don’t like giving you to others but it would be a great honour.” His breath started to come faster as he got closer to the edge. “But even so we’ll have another decade at least for you to carry my children.”

Poe shuddered at the thought of continuing to do this for such a long time but what choice did he have? Kylo would do with him what he wanted and if he played along then maybe he would one day be able to leave this room or be left alone for long enough to kill himself.

/

He didn’t get to keep these children either.

He hadn’t thought he would.

In his head he tried to picture his children. He tried to imagine what Breha would look like, now that she was older. Then there was Bey although he could never decide whether they were a boy or a girl. Bey was the worst of all. Breha was safe with Finn and the children he hadn’t wanted at least had a parent, no matter how horrible Hux and Kylo were. But Bey was being subjected to all the things Finn had told him about stormtrooper training and all the things Finn hadn’t told him about.

He hadn’t seen anyone but the droid who brought his food in days. He wondered if it was meant to be a new way to torture him or if they had simply lost interest in him.

He couldn’t afford to hope it was the latter. Hope never did him any good in this place. But maybe now he had the possibility to escape.

With no one there to stop him, he stopped eating and drinking. It was harder than he imagined but he knew that it might be his only chance to escape. At least he would die with most of his memories of Finn and Breha still there. He hadn’t felt this determined and focused in a long time.

Two days later that determination was all he had left. He was so thirsty and all he had to do was make it to the bathroom and there would be plenty of water there. But instead he curled up on the floor on the other side of the bed and wished for death. If he hadn’t miscounted it had been 1145 days since he had been captured.

He hated himself for not doing this sooner when the door opened. It could only mean Kylo had returned. And Kylo would punish him for this. Kylo would take more of his memories and he’d be left here without Breha, without Finn, without his mum or his dad or any other good memory he still possessed.

Only it wasn’t Kylo. 

It was Finn. For a moment he wanted to chalk it up to delirium but the Finn who stood in the doorway was not the Finn he remembered. This one was older, sharper, harder.

“Poe?” Finn said like he thought Poe was a hallucination. “Poe!” Finn rushed into the room and knelt down at his side. “Poe, what did they do to you?” He asked, running his hands over Poe’s face and shoulders as if he still couldn’t believe it was him.

“Finn”, Poe tried to say, tried to tell him everything but he couldn’t. His throat was too dry and too tight.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you. It’s okay”, Finn said over and over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the hurt done, now on to the comfort (or rather the road of recovery)


	3. Chapter 3

He woke up in a room. That meant he was alive. For a moment he felt nothing but disappointment. But then he realized that it wasn’t his room. And when he turned his head Leia sat at his bed, reading on a holopad. When she saw that he was awake, she smiled at him.

“Welcome home, Poe.” She said warmly.

“Finn?” Was all he could ask.

“He’s fine”, she assured him. “He’s sleeping. We’ve been taking turns to wait until you woke up.”

He felt his eyes sting and tried to hold it back. She was still his General. He wouldn’t cry in front of her. He wouldn’t.

“It’s okay”, Leia said and gathered him in her arms as the first tears fell from his lashes. “Shhh, it’s fine, Poe. You’re safe now. It’s over.”

Poe hadn’t thought that he had any tears left, not after the last three years. But here he was crying like a little child in his mother’s arms. He couldn’t make sense of his emotions. There was relief, there was fear, there was grief. The confusion was just too great.

“I’m sorry”, he said between sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

“There is nothing you have to be sorry for, Poe”, she reassured him but then she didn’t know what he had done. What he had let Kylo do to him. To his child. His children. They should have let him die. He didn’t deserve to be here. Didn’t deserve to be alive.

She stroked his hair and held him close while he continued to sob against her chest. “Is there anyone you’d like to see?” She asked when he had calmed down somewhat eventually. “Finn or Breha or your father?”

“My dad’s here?” Poe asked.

Leia nodded. “Finn couldn’t bear to send Breha away after you had been captured so instead Kes agreed to come here and help to raise her.”

“How is she?”

Leia smiled. “She’s a lovely girl. She’s force-sensitive and she loves to watch Rey and Luke train. Do you want to see her? Finn and Kes told her stories about you of course but I’m sure she’d love to meet you in person. She’s very much like you in that regard, always keen to meet new people.”

Poe shook his head. “Not yet. I can’t...I...” He could feel his throat closing up and his heartbeat rising.

Leia rested her hand on his shoulder and a calming presence spread through him. “You don’t have to.”

“Do you have a holo?” Poe asked. On the one hand he desperately wanted to see his daughter but on the other hand he couldn’t even imagine going through the door. That he wasn’t allowed, wasn’t able to leave was still too ingrained in his mind.

“Of course.” Leia tapped on her holopad and then turned it around for Poe to see. Breha was smiling in the picture, her dark curly hair in two braids. She was a bit lighter skinned than Finn, who was carrying her on his shoulders in the holo, but the family resemblance was undeniable.

“She looks like Finn”, Poe whispered. At least one of his children was happy.

“She looks like you too”, Leia said. “It’s not just as obvious at a first glance. But Kes brought a lot of pictures with him and the resemblance is definitely there. Also she sleeps with a plush X-Wing and wants to be a pilot ever since Rey and Chewie took her for a ride in the Falcon.”

For a moment Poe smiled but then he said, “I missed so much.”

“You have time now”, Leia replied. She squeezed his hand. “It won’t be easy, Poe. But I’m sure you’ll make it.”

/

Leia only left when Dr. Kalonia appeared to check up on him.

“How are you feeling?” She asked.

“Like all of this is a dream and when I wake up I’ll be back there, in the room.”

She nodded as if she had expected such an answer. “You were severely dehydrated when you were brought here but you shouldn’t experience any after effects. The drugs that were in your system on the other hand...Cutting you off from the sedatives would kill you so we’re tapering them off. But it won’t be pleasant. Neither will be the withdrawal symptoms from the fertility drugs, but they’re going to be less severe than the ones from the sedatives.”

Poe almost smiled. Pain was a good thing, something to feel that was real. “I need you to run a pregnancy test.”

Kalonia nodded. “Of course.”

Poe felt a wave of panic crash over him. Did she know? Did Finn know? What else had they found on the Finalizer?

“Is there anything else, Poe?” She asked. “Anything you want to talk about right now?”

He shook his head. “Not yet. Just do the test please.”

“Give me your arm please”, she asked and took a blood sample from him. “As you can imagine”, she continued as she put a plaster on the wound, “the news that you have been rescued made their way through the Fleet within a few hours. But you decide who you want to see and who not.”

Poe watched her as she put the test stripe in and waited. “You’re not pregnant.”

It was like seeing Finn coming into his cell all over again. Kylo hadn’t left him with one more shackle from his days as his prisoner. If this really turned out not to be a dream then maybe he could be free again. He looked at Kalonia. “I want to see Finn. Is he here?”

She smiled. “Of course he is. I’m sure he has been waiting for those words since he brought you back.”

/

Nothing had really prepared him for seeing Finn again.

“Hey”, Finn said standing in the doorway.

“Hey”, Poe replied. He remembered suddenly that they had been separated for longer than they had been together in the first place. He had dreamed so often about coming home but what if this wasn’t his home anymore? What if Finn had found someone else? What if Breha was calling someone else papa?

“Can I hug you?” Finn asked.

Poe nodded, not trusting himself to speak without his voice breaking.

It felt like their first hug back on D’Qar when they had both assumed the other had been dead. Finn was even wearing the same jacket and he smelled the same. Poe buried his face in Finn’s neck when he felt the tears coming and when Finn pressed his face against Poe’s hair, Poe could feel that he was crying too. He couldn’t say how long they clung to each other like this but Poe never wanted it to end. He wanted to crawl inside Finn’s skin and never leave.

But there was something he had to tell Finn.

“I lost them”, he whispered against Finn’s skin and pulled away. He looked at Finn with tearstained eyes. “I lost them, Finn. I lost our baby.”

Finn gave him a confused look. “Breha’s fine, Poe. She’s here. Your dad’s looking after her right now. She isn’t lost.”

Poe shook his head. “Not Breha.” He could barely bring himself to say the words. “I was pregnant when Kylo captured me. He let me keep it. And then he took our baby when it was born. I don’t even know if it’s a boy or a girl. He said – “Poe’s voice broke. “He said he put them in the stormtrooper program where they belonged.”

He watched Finn’s face change as the horror of what had happened settled in. “We’ll get them back. I got you back, now we’ll get our kid back.”

“They weren’t the only one”, Poe said and looked down at his lap. He couldn’t watch Finn’s face for this part. He was too scared of what he’d see in there.

“What do you mean?”

“Kylo raped me. Pretty much every day. He gave me drugs too, so I could become pregnant again quickly and with more than one child. He was obsessed with the idea.” He forced himself to continue. “He succeeded. Twice. Twins the first time and triplets the second. Hux got a go too but he only got one child. Before you saved me Kylo talked about letting Snoke breed me too.”

Poe didn’t dare to look up from his hands. He should’ve never told Finn any of this. Finn would be disappointed and disgusted and he’d leave and make sure he’d never see Breha again because he didn’t deserve to. Not after he had failed to protect her sibling. Not after he had been defiled by the First Order. He was broken goods and his daughter deserved so much better than him. Finn deserved so much better.

“Poe”, Finn said. Why was he still here? “Poe, look at me, please.”

He did, more out of force of habit than because he wanted to. Finn was crying. Why was he crying?

“I’m so sorry”, Finn said and cupped Poe’s face with his hands. “I’m so sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” Poe asked. “I’m the one who failed us.”

“Poe, no, no, you didn’t fail us at all. Not me, not Breha, not our other child. That was Kylo Ren.”

Finn...Finn couldn’t actually believe that, could he? But he looked so serious, his eyes boring into Poe’s as if he wanted to get the sentiment across by sheer force of will.

/

When Finn left, Poe was left on his own for the first time since he had been freed. It was quieter than it had been on the Finalizer, the constant hum of the machines was missing. His wrists felt naked without the shackles around them. He rubbed them and noticed that his skin was slightly paler were the bands had been. He found it surprising considering he hadn’t been exposed to any natural light in over three years.

The room was smaller than the previous one and it smelled differently. The air wasn’t recycled and there was even a window he could open if he wanted to. It opened to the back of the base and showed the landscape of whatever planet they were on. It was very green like D’Qar had been. Rey probably liked it. He wondered if her room was still full of flowers. 

Poe stood up. He could open the door too if he wanted to. It was green, not white like the one in his old room. His old prison. He could open it.

Poe felt his heartbeat rising until it beat so hard he thought it would burst from his chest. Sweat was running down his neck. All he had to do was wave his hand in front of the panel and the door would slide open. He could go outside. The idea was ludicrous. What if this was a dream? An illusion to make him feel better. If he tried to walk out of the room it would only hurt. It would only serve to alert Kylo. He should better stay where he was.

Poe’s thoughts were interrupted when he heard a very familiar chirping coming from the other side of the door.

“BB8?” Poe asked despite his doubts that this was real. But if it was a dream while he died of thirst on the floor of his prison then it wouldn’t hurt to play along and if it was an illusion created by Kylo to punish him, he wanted to enjoy it for as long as he could.

“Yes”, BB8 beeped impatiently. “Open the door.”

“Shouldn’t you say please?” Another voice asked and Poe felt a lump form in his throat.

“Dad?” Without thinking about it Poe let his fingers glide over the panel and the door slid open. BB8 was the first one to come into the room, at such a high speed that he actually knocked Poe to the ground. Followed by a high volume mix of apologies and exclamations of happiness. 

“I’m glad to see you too”, Poe said and stroked his casing. Someone had taken good care of BB8 while he had been away.

“Of course you greet your droid first”, Kes said dryly. “Some things never change.”

His father looked older, Poe noticed as he scrambled to his feet. But he was wearing the same goatee he had had since his days as soldier for the rebellion even if it was white now like all his hair. But he was still tanned from all the work he had done outside for most of his life.

“Dad”, Poe said again as his father wrapped him in his arms.

“Kriff, Poe, when Leia said they had found you...I could barely believe it.” His father was crying too. Poe could count the occasions he had seen his father cry on one hand. Next to them BB8 was cuddling up against Poe’s leg, purring to try and comfort him. “I’m so glad to have you back.”

“Me, too”, BB8 beeped.

“I’m glad too”, Poe said despite the words feeling wrong in his mouth since he didn’t believe this was real. He couldn’t let himself believe it. It would only make it more painful when it was taken from him again.

/

Poe had stopped noticing how much the sedatives impacted on his perception until now that he was slowly being taken off them. It wasn’t just that he stopped sleeping for 16 or more hours a day or that he didn’t feel as lethargic anymore when he was awake. The whole world seemed sharper, more focused somehow. When he mentioned it to the therapist he had been assigned the day after he had woken up, she asked, “Is that a good or bad for you?”

“It’s good”, Poe said. “Especially the past year I...it felt as if I couldn’t feel anything anymore. Unless I...” He hesitated. Could he tell her what he had done? Could he tell anyone? Looking back he felt so ashamed. How disgusting was he to ask Kylo...

“Poe”, Dr. Chodo said gently, “Everything you say stays between us. Whatever you did or didn’t do, whatever you said or thought, you did because you were a prisoner, a victim. There is no right way to survive, to find a way out of containment.”

“Speaking of which”, Poe said because that was easier to talk about. After all if this was just an illusion maybe talking about his disbelief that this was real would cause a paradox that would force him to wake up. He had told Finn about it as well. Finn had been here every day since Poe had woken up, just like his dad and Leia. The starfighter squad was on a mission with Rey and Luke.

“What do you think would it take to convince you that this was real?” Dr. Chodo asked.

Poe shrugged. “Living a long and happy life and dying as an old man in my bed? I don’t know. I just want to be better. I want to be me again. I want to wake up and have the last three years be nothing but a bad dream. I want those years back. I want – “he stopped ranting, the words dying in his throat. He didn’t want to mention Breha. Talking about her felt like picking at an open wound. “I want to feel better”, he said again. 

“You’ll get there”, Dr. Chodo answered, her calmness unshaken even in the face of his outbreak. “You have a loving and supporting family. You are strong. I have faith that eventually you’ll recover from your ordeal. Unfortunately it takes time. And remember Poe, anything you feel, anything you think is valid. You don’t need to feel ashamed or guilty or embarrassed for any of it.”

“Easier said than done.”

/

Opening the door to let Finn or Leia or his dad in wasn’t so hard anymore. Sometimes he hesitated, not sure if he wanted to see them or not but in the end he always let them in. He had been without them for too long to miss their company now. BB8 had downright refused to leave Poe’s side at all. Apparently he had even refused to fly with other pilots during Poe’s imprisonment.

This time though it wasn’t Finn or Leia or Kes on the other side of the door. Instead it was Iolo, his arm in a sling.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure”, Poe said despite not being certain at all if wanted to see anyone of his old friends in case this really was just an illusion. It would make waking up even harder.

Iolo looked him up and down. “You look horrible.”

“You know you’re the first one to actually say it”, Poe replied.

“Well, who else was here? Kalonia can’t say it because it goes against her oath, Leia likes you too much and Finn would still look at you like you hung the moon if you looked like the universe’s ugliest Neimodian.”

“You don’t know that”, Poe said and glanced down at his hands.

“I was there when they brought you back. We were all there. None of us could really believe it. But Finn just looked at you like he’s done since he woke up from the coma.” Iolo put a deck of cards on the table. “I’m guessing you can’t really believe you’re here either.”

“What if I don’t?”

“Then your subconsciousness will teach you how to play Pazaak.”

Poe laughed softly and shook his head. “You’ve been after me and Karé and Muran to learn this game forever.”

“Because it’s a brilliant game.”

“That gives an unfair advantage to the second player.”

“Come on, Poe. I’m stuck on the ground, you’re stuck on the ground...when’s the last time that ever happened?”

“Fine.”

/

Jess, Snaps and Karé came together, fresh from the air strip going by their flight suits. 

“You look horrible”; Jess said as soon as she let go of him. She smelled like sweat and recycled air and motor oil.

Poe snorted. “Iolo said that too. But I’m sure that what everyone’s thinks.”

“Everyone doesn’t include Finn”, Jess said. “You could look like a shaved Nexu and he’d still have stars in his eyes every time he looked at you.”

“The braids are new”, Poe said because he didn’t want to talk about Finn. 

Jess rolled her eyes. “My dear wife’s favourite method against helmet hair.”

“Your wife?”

“Rey”, Jess said it as if it should have been obvious. “I married Rey.”

“Congratulations.” It was one more thing he had missed, one more thing Kylo Ren had taken from him.

“You didn’t miss much”, Jess told him as if she had sensed his mood. “We eloped. If we hadn’t my parents would still be planning the wedding.”

“Anything else I missed?” Poe asked, looking at Kare and Snaps.

Kare grinned and elbowed Snaps in the side. “Hear that? Commander Dameron wants gossip. Thought I’d never see the day.”

“I’ll find us some chairs”, Snaps said. “This is going to take a while.”

/

On the one hand Poe had never been happier that his friends just didn’t know when to quit but on the other hand, he hated them for it a little bit too. Only to feel guilty for thinking that. He didn’t want to be alone and they didn’t let him be but he also wanted to be alone because the more time he spent with them, the easier it would be to think that all of this was real.

He still hadn’t dared to walk out of his room despite being here for a week. He couldn’t, wasn’t allowed to. Because if it wasn’t real then walking out of that door would activate the chips in his wrists and wake him up. He’d be back on the Finalizer and Poe didn’t think he’d survive that.

It was Finn who he told about it first outside his therapy sessions. So far Finn had come by every day and spent hours in here despite the fact that he had to have duties elsewhere. But no, Finn had just asked how he was and it had broken out of Poe.

“I want to be better. I want to be better now and not feel anymore as if walking out of that door is some daunting task that takes all my courage. I didn’t have the slightest bit control over my life for the past years and now that I do, it’s too much.” Poe rubbed a hand over his face. “Look at me pitying myself when you had it worse.”

“Hey”, Finn interrupted him and took Poe’s hands into his. “First of all I didn’t have it worse. We just experience two different flavours of bad. And second, remember what you told me when I was in your position? Small steps.”

“Yeah but you’re patient and I’m not.”

“Guess you better run out of that door then, jump into your ship and lead your starfighters into battle then”, Finn grinned and checked his chrono. “You’ve got 10 minutes until they take off.”

“I’m already failing step one.”

“I was overwhelmed too”, Finn said. “One decision at a time.”

“You don’t have to do this. You have a family to take care of.”

“Yes, you.”

“I mean Breha and Rey and – “Poe didn’t ask but he had been gone for more than three years. He had been presumed dead. It was stupid and selfish of him to think that Finn hadn’t found someone else in the mean time.

“I could bring Breha here”, Finn said. “That would solve it.”

Poe shook his head. “I don’t want to her to see me like this.”

“Okay”, Finn squeezed Poe’s hands. “How about that door then? Do you want to try?”

Poe glanced at the door, pressed his lips together and nodded. “You really don’t have to do this.”

Finn snorted. “Says the guy who did more pt sessions with me than my actual physiotherapist.” He had let go of Poe’s hands but he was still standing so close that Poe could touch him if he wanted to. With every step he took the door seemed larger and more threatening. Poe could taste his fear on his tongue and also the frustration that he was afraid in the first place.

Slowly he stretched his hand out towards the touch panel at the side. All he had to do was wave his hand in front of it and the door would slide open. It would open because here he wasn’t a prisoner. He was free to leave whenever he wanted. He could leave the room, the base, even the planet.

“What if I walk through this door and wake up?” Poe asked. “What if it’s all just a dream?”

“That’s what I’ve been wondering too”, Finn admitted. “What if I just imagine you’re here?”

Poe took a deep breath and waved his hand. “Let’s find out”, he said as the door slipped open. He had braced himself for an onslaught of noises but this hallway was part of the infirmary so it was pretty quiet. He could hear some people talking in the distance and the hum of the various machines. The air smelled like bacta and anti-septic cleaners. Poe wrinkled his nose and walked through the doorway before he could lose his courage.

For a moment nothing felt different, he didn’t feel different but as he released the breath he hadn’t remembered holding, he looked back and saw the room from the outside. Finn grinned at him from the other side of the door and the relief was so palpable he could almost taste it.

“You did it!” Finn laughed and hugged Poe. “I knew it.”

If he held onto Finn a little longer and a little tighter than he should, Finn was nice enough not to mention it.

“Can we go outside?” Poe asked. Now that he made it out of the room, the old wish for fresh air came back with full force. He wanted to feel the wind on his face and the sun and the rain.

“Of course.” Finn fell into an easy step next to him but in a way that Poe could follow his lead. This wasn’t D’Qar, he had never been on this planet before, let alone this base.

As they walked through the hallways Poe wondered who had replaced him in Finn’s life. He knew it wasn’t Rey but anyone would be lucky to be with Finn. He had been that lucky person once before Kylo had ruined everything.

“We were on Jabiim for a while”, Finn said. “That planet is a nightmare. It rains all the time but since the landscape was destroyed during the clone wars, nothing grows there. It’s a desert. A mud desert. I was almost starting to miss Jakku.”

“How long were you there?” Poe asked. He swallowed a comment about how he would’ve loved to see Jabiim instead of being Ren’s prisoner. 

“A couple months. All that rain was bad for morale”, Finn grinned and waved his hand in front of a door panel. “Welcome home.”

As soon as they stepped outside Poe knew where they were. The air smelled sweet and heavy and it was warm. Far away he could hear the cries of birds and monkeys. Behind him the temple dominated the skyline of Yavin as it had always done. 

Poe wondered when he would finally stop crying. Not any time soon if the feeling of wind against his face and breathing in fresh air was enough to bring him to tears. He knew it was perfectly normal but that didn’t stop him from feeling embarrassed as well.

“It’s overwhelming, isn’t it?” Finn asked his hand resting in the small of Poe’s back.

“It’s stupid”, Poe said, wiping at his eyes.

“Please, I almost had an orgasm the first time I ate the mess hall food”, Finn grinned. “Now I complain when they serve - hey, look.” Finn pointed at the Starfighters that were taking off from the other side of the base. Poe felt his heart clench at the sight. He should be up there with them. He wanted to, Poe realised. He wanted his life back.

“When you’re feeling better you can show Breha and me around”, Finn said.

“I want to see her”, Poe said before he even realised that he had said it. 

Finn gave him a slow, happy smile. “I’m glad you want to. And Breha will be glad too. She only knows you from the holos so far and from the stories we’ve been telling her.”

“Just good ones, I hope”, Poe joked weakly.

Finn tilted his head. “I’m pretty sure Jess has been telling her about some of your more daring adventures.”

/

Poe thought his heart was going to burst out of his chest, it was racing so hard. His palms were sweaty too and he couldn’t stop fidgeting. He hadn’t been so nervous since his finals at the Flight Academy. When he entered the room he could see Breha sitting at a table, a green pencil in her hand and a colouring book in front of her. She was so big, so beautiful and she looked so much like Finn. She had her lips pressed together as she concentrated on her colouring just like Finn did.

She looked up when he approached the table.

“Hi”, Poe said, his voice wavering. “I’m Poe.”

“I’m Breha”, she said. This close he could see that she had freckles scattered over her nose and cheeks. He couldn’t remember anyone from his family having them so they had to come from Finn’s side. 

Breha looked up at him with inquisitive dark eyes. The expression reminded him of Finn whenever he had developed attack plans and battle strategies. “Daddy says you’re my papa.”

Poe nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

“He says evil people took you away.”

“Your daddy saved me”, Poe replied. “He has saved me lots of times. That’s how we met actually.”

Breha narrowed her eyes. “He says you saved him.”

“He freed me from my cell and brought me to a ship. I just flew us out of there.”

“What kind of ship?” Breha asked.

“A TIE fighter.”

“One of the old ones without a shield or a new one with shields?”

Poe raised his eyebrows. “You like ships?”

Breha nodded vigorously. “I’m going to be a Jedipilot like Aunt Rey.”

Poe smiled. “It was one of the new ones.”

“When I’m grown up I’ll fly one too. Not just in a sim. I’ll fly a real one”, Breha said with the conviction only a four year old could have.

“What about an X-Wing?”

Breha tilted her head sideways and thought about it. “I’ll learn to fly all ships.” She gave Poe that measuring glance again. “Daddy says you can fly all ships. Aunt Rey can do that too. Can you take me flying?”

“Maybe. If your daddy allows it.”

“Okay”, she stood up. “I’ll go and ask him.”

“Stop”, Poe laughed. “Not right now.”

“When?” She asked impatiently and Poe remembered needling his mother with the same question until she had finally taken him up in her ship.

“Soon”, he replied just like his mother always had.

Breha gave him another inquisitive look but she seemed satisfied with his answer. “Can you show me the planets you’ve seen?” She asked instead, nudging a holo-atlas in his direction. “Daddy says you’ve seen a lot. More than Aunt Rey. Because you were flying more.”

“Sure”, Poe replied and opened the atlas, trying to think about a planet that might be interesting to a four-year old. Finn and Rey would’ve already told her everything about Jakku, his father would’ve told her about Yavin and Hosnian didn’t exist anymore. But she liked ships to maybe…”If you want to learn how to fly ships then you need to go to Allasdair. That’s where nearly all ships are built, from the star destroyers to the pod-racers for Mallastair.”

He had picked the right planet. Breha was all eyes and ears. When Finn returned from his shift that was how he found them, Breha listening intently and asking questions while Poe talked about all the different ships that were built in the yards on Allasdair. Later he would show Poe the holo-pic he had taken of him and Breha, and even later they’d print it and put it in a frame for all to see. 

/

“Poe?”

“Hey”, Poe turned his head and smiled at Finn before looking back up at the sky. “I spent three years on a space ship and I didn’t see the stars once. I had never thought I would miss that. I always took them for granted. I took a lot of things for granted.”

Finn walked up to him and wrapped his arms around Poe’s waist from behind. “I can make you see stars if you want”, he whispered.

Poe laughed and turned around in Finn’s arms. “That was terrible. That was absolutely terrible.”

Finn looked slightly embarrassed. “Well, I’m out of practice.”

Poe’s heart clenched as he asked, “How out of practice?” He hadn’t dared to ask yet because he wasn’t really sure he wanted to hear the answer.

“Completely”, Finn said and held Poe’s gaze.

“But I was gone for…for three years.”

“I know exactly how long you were gone.” Finn stroked Poe’s cheek. “I always knew I’d find you eventually. Besides I was a single dad with a fulltime job kicking First Order ass. Where would I have found the time?”

“Show me your stars then”, Poe said. He thought that Finn would lead him to bed, found himself wanting that to his own surprise. But instead Finn led him out across the flight strip. Right at the very end a bit away from the other X-Wings stood Black One. 

“Rey and Jess flew her sometimes when were short on ships or needed to move base”, Finn said. “But mostly she’s been waiting here for you.” When Poe was speechless Finn grinned at him and added, “I told you I would show you stars.”

“I didn’t think you meant literal stars”, Poe replied. 

“And I think you missed flying as much as you missed me and Breha.”

Poe only noticed he was crying when BB8 chirped at him, asking him why he did.

“Was I wrong?” Finn asked, immediately worried.

“No”, Poe said, wiping at his eyes. “It’s just...it’s just a lot to take in.”

“Go on, take her up. I’ve cleared it with the General.”

/

Flying was...it was like the first drop of water on dried earth. Like drawing a breath after suffocating. Like eating after starving. And much more than all of that at the same time. Poe soared through the clouds and broke the planet’s atmospheric layer. This system’s sun was there a big, bright red ball of fire. And against the blackness of space where the stars of a hundred different systems, of galaxies no one had ever stepped into. He could’ve taken his ship and gone to any of them, right now. The entire galaxy lay at his fingertips. This was what freedom was: he could go but he chose not to.

Poe went through every manoeuvre he could think of, dove in and out of the asteroid belt, made a turn on the tip of his ship’s nose, barrel rolls, loopings, anything he could think of. He hadn’t felt this alive since Kylo had captured him.

Here in the cockpit of his X-Wing he was invincible.

Here he was free.

Here he was Poe Dameron, best damn pilot in the galaxy who had finally come home.


End file.
